It is with a heavy heart that I announce the sale of the keys to the kingdom. As many of you know, I re-evaluated my life priorities earlier this year after buying a beautiful and very expensive self portrait. The realization I came to has changed many of your lives, and for that I am greateful. With that said, the keys to the kingdom aint free. Best and final offers are due this Sunday at the stroke of mindnight. Thank you and God bless.
Ahhhhh Napa Jebathy. I should have known it was you all along. You skulked in the shadows and threw thumbtacks under the shoeless tred of my retreating army. Be that as it may, I am a man of my word. Your bid of one billion doll hairs is accepted. May you suffer the love of a terrible woman.
I’m much more interested in bidding on your self-portrait. The idea of your reassuring gaze staring at me from my bedroom ceiling really stirs my soul.
I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to wrap it all up in my pocket, it’s my bar of chocolate. Give it to me.
— a naked and crying David Hasselhoff, forced by kidnappers to dress as Veruca Salt and perform to a crowd of angry Somali Pirates
Aggressive is kind of an understatement. At first all the hugging, touching, and forceful sharing of feelings made me uncomfortable, but now I look forward to it
There was this guy at the last Schvitz at Bobby’s that kept hitting me with reeds and yelling at me in russian. Then he asked me for $20. Which Bobby graciously covered, that’s the kind of guy he is. #Hospitality