Guest etiquette: Wine glasses

[Matthew King]

Compulsive question:

Your good friends from the neighborhood invite you over for casual dinner before a concert.

They know you are a wine geek and they ask you to bring over some “extra nice” bottles of wine to have with their thoughtfully prepared meal. They are good cooks.

The problem is that you know their stemware is mediocre. Not jelly jars but thick-lipped glasses you might see at a catered university lunch.

So the annoying wine snob voice starts ringing in your head:

Do I bring so-so wines because the glasses will diminish their enjoyment, at least mine!

Do I bring good wines as requested and just let it go and just enjoy the wines for what they are — even in less than ideal stems?

Do I bring along 6 stems as well at the risk of looking like complete snob and offending the sensibilities of our hosts?

Do I, god forbid, bring my own stem and make a few self-deprecating jokes about my OCD tendencies when it comes to my “hobby”?

Do I just bring a six-pack of Pliny the Elder instead?

Discuss amongst yourselves!

[Andrew Morris]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

[Glen Gold]

If they're good cooks, they appreciate good equipment, right? If everyone is friends and they're asking you to bring your A game, bring the stems.

[Marcus Dean]

If they're good cooks, they appreciate good equipment, right? If everyone is friends and they're asking you to bring your A game, bring the stems.

Yup

[AAgrawal]

I would bring nice but not 1st growth level wines and would absolutely not bring my own wine glass. I would do that at a restaurant, but not at someone's house.

For example, based on what I have on hand now, I would bring something like a Lopez de Heredia Riserva. ~$40, definitely an "extra nice" bottle for wine geeks and normal people alike.

[Jay Miller]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

I've done that.

[Bdklein]

Compulsive question:

Your good friends from the neighborhood invite you over for casual dinner before a concert.

They know you are a wine geek and they ask you to bring over some “extra nice” bottles of wine to have with their thoughtfully prepared meal. They are good cooks.

The problem is that you know their stemware is mediocre. Not jelly jars but thick-lipped glasses you might see at a catered university lunch.

So the annoying wine snob voice starts ringing in your head:

Do I bring so-so wines because the glasses will diminish their enjoyment, at least mine!

Do I bring good wines as requested and just let it go and just enjoy the wines for what they are — even in less than ideal stems?

Do I bring along 6 stems as well at the risk of looking like complete snob and offending the sensibilities of our hosts?

Do I, god forbid, bring my own stem and make a few self-deprecating jokes about my OCD tendencies when it comes to my “hobby”?

Do I just bring a six-pack of Pliny the Elder instead?

Discuss amongst yourselves!

Bring whatever you want to drink . Case closed .

[Carl Steefel]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

Smart!!

Normally, I would say no, but if they are asking you for the wines, then that changes things. But gifting is an even better idea...

[John Morris]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

Smart!!

Normally, I would say no, but if they are asking you for the wines, then that changes things. But gifting is an even better idea...

+1

You can also say, "We find that having thin glass stemware improves the taste of the wine for some reason. Try it for yourself." If it's done right, I don't think it has to seem like a put-down.

[Mich@el Ch@ng]

I would gift some of those riedel stems from the recent baby sales.

[Neal.Mollen]

I wouldn't gift them glasses. But I might give them some.

[GregT]

I wouldn't gift them glasses. But I might give them some.

This.

And I wouldn't bring my own glasses. Seriously. If you didn't like their silverware because the fork tines weren't pointy enough, would you bring your own silverware? Or china? Unless they're having a lot of people over and they let you know that it might be a good idea to bring some glassware, taking your own glasses to someone's house is what makes wine people look like douches.

Here's the scenario: First thing to do is take their glass, pour some wine into it and then take your glass and pour some wine into it and ask them to tell you which wine tastes like ass. Sit back triumphantly as they tell you how much they hate the wine when tasted from their own thick, clumsy, inelegant glassware. And let them use their own inferior glasses while you enjoy the wine from your superior glass.

There's no way you come out looking good. It's not even intriguingly eccentric, it's just crass. Don't do it.

[David Baum]

I like the idea of gifting them glasses. If they are good cooks it will lead to more dinner invitations and make the wines you bring that much more enjoyable. The Reidel stems from best buy would be perfect. And GregT always brings a glass when he comes over to my place

[Ian Alper]

Greg, I would normally agree with you but I think since he was asked to bring nice wine, and they are into food, it would not be out of place in this situation. If the request was just to "bring some wine" then I would agree it would be inappropriate to bring your own stems.

[GregT]

Ian - only required if you go to David's house! Everyone else here will have decent stems!

[Merrill Lindquist]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

Smart!!

Normally, I would say no, but if they are asking you for the wines, then that changes things. But gifting is an even better idea...

+1

You can also say, "We find that having thin glass stemware improves the taste of the wine for some reason. Try it for yourself." If it's done right, I don't think it has to seem like a put-down.

I agree. They asked you to bring good wine, so they left the door open. Bring nice stems, but be sure to take them home with you.

[John Morris]

Smart!!

Normally, I would say no, but if they are asking you for the wines, then that changes things. But gifting is an even better idea...

+1

You can also say, "We find that having thin glass stemware improves the taste of the wine for some reason. Try it for yourself." If it's done right, I don't think it has to seem like a put-down.

I agree. They asked you to bring good wine, so they left the door open. Bring nice stems, but be sure to take them home with you.

Why not be generous? If you take them home, then it seems snotty and condescending.

[Sebastian C.]

Absolutely a no to bringing glasses.

[Jim Stewart]

Compulsive question:

Your good friends from the neighborhood invite you over for casual dinner before a concert.

They know you are a wine geek and they ask you to bring over some “extra nice” bottles of wine to have with their thoughtfully prepared meal. They are good cooks.

The problem is that you know their stemware is mediocre. Not jelly jars but thick-lipped glasses you might see at a catered university lunch.

So the annoying wine snob voice starts ringing in your head:

Do I bring so-so wines because the glasses will diminish their enjoyment, at least mine!

Do I bring good wines as requested and just let it go and just enjoy the wines for what they are — even in less than ideal stems?

Do I bring along 6 stems as well at the risk of looking like complete snob and offending the sensibilities of our hosts?

Do I, god forbid, bring my own stem and make a few self-deprecating jokes about my OCD tendencies when it comes to my “hobby”?

Do I just bring a six-pack of Pliny the Elder instead?

Discuss amongst yourselves!

Bring whatever you want to drink . Case closed .

Good answer I think, Bruce
Matthew, you mentioned your OCD and the list of alternatives that you are considering confirms your self-diagnosis. The host has asked you to bring the wine. Bruce is offering you a simple and wise solution to end the second-guessing of possibly problematic alternatives. Bring whatever you want to drink. Pour them into whatever glasses the hosts offer. Enjoy the food, the wine, and the friendship.

P.S. I also have OCD tendencies.

[Mark C Johnson]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

I've done that.

This a million times. Go to Costco and get the 8 pack Bordeaux stems. Cheap and good and they have good glasses going forward.

[Philip N. Jones]

Bring wine. Don’t bring glasses. Suck it up. It’s just one night.
Phil Jones

[David Baum]

Ian - only required if you go to David's house! Everyone else here will have decent stems!

when I host a big crowd I’m bout to run out so BYOG prevails

[John Glas]

Turn it into an educational opportunity. Bring your glasses and have them taste out of both so they can experience the difference good stemware can make.

[John Morris]

Isn't it wonderful when a clear WB consensus emerges!

[R. Frankel]

How about this?

Since you know they’re into food, and asked for nice wine: Start a conversation before the dinner (early that day, or the day before). Ask what they’re thinking of cooking. More than one course? Cheese before or after? Dessert? What kind?

Then talk about what might pair well. Indian food? Maybe a Riesling. Fish? Leave the Cali Syrah home. Champagne to start with sharp cheese? Etc. etc. once you figure out some good combos, talk about the service. Mention that it’s nice to have different glasses for different wine. Now you can offer to bring some.

Voila. Fun!

[T. Williams]

What is "extra nice" to them, is probably a weekday wine to you.

I would bring over a $40 bottle of something that doesn't require much contemplation and is quaffable. Something you would drink out of a rocks glass at a picnic table. Something that the stemware doesn't matter. It feels like this is the type of set and setting you want before a concert (assuming you aren't going to watch the orchestra). Leave the complex, aged, mysterious wine and high end stemware for one night when they come to your place and the wine is the focus of the night.

Maybe before I jump to this conclusion I should have asked what is the concert and what's for dinner?

TW

[H Wallace Jr]

Bring wine. Don’t bring glasses. Suck it up. It’s just one night.
Phil Jones

This.
Just have fun and don't sweat it.

[RichardFlack]

Pretty much all of the suggestions here have merit. What’s best depends I think on the particular friends and your relationship with them. Specifically, I have friends where I would and have take stemware (along with decanting equipment) and others where I moderate the wine selection.

If you are going to take stems (and it’s the first time) absolutely discuss ahead of time. Avoid saying or implying their stems suck. For that reason I’d be careful about gifting stems (strong implication there).

[Cris Whetstone]

In general, the suck it up and chill out suggestions are the best.

But if they really are "good friends" and know you have wine geek tendencies bringing a new set of decent stemware is not out of line at all. Don't go for a cheap, 'on sale' from a discount store set. Get something that looks real nice to them. You don't have to go very far up in price to find that for most people. You guys can probably have a chuckle about being wine snobs if you are good friends and they can have a nice new set of stems to impress their other guests with.

I think it's more about what your actual relationship is with this couple. The definite default position is to bring something THEY will like and relax no matter what you drink from.

[Merrill Lindquist]

I wouldn't gift them glasses. But I might give them some.

The stems I use every day are Zaltos at $60 per stem. That would be one expensive gift to someone who asks me to bring some extra good wine. And while I am at it, I don't think hosts should ask their guests to bring anything. Poor manners, in my snotty, condescending book.

[Matthew King]

Thanks to all for input.

Clearly there is no right answer, given the varied responses.

I’ve made my decision. Will report back tomorrow.

[John Morris]

At which point you will be told made an idiotic, inconsiderate decision.

[ERPark]

You’re staying home citing Coronavirus concerns?

[Chris Seiber]

Would gifting them some glasses that would be a big upgrade from what they have now be too much?

I've done that.

I’ve done that many times. It’s a nice gift, and then you don’t have to drink from condo wine glasses when you’re visiting.

In this instance, if it’s not the time for wine glasses as a gift, I think you could just call and ask about bringing glasses over. “I know you are planning a gourmet evening and I’m picking some special bottles to bring. They’ll show best out of these glasses I have — do you mind if I bring them over?

Then listen for the reaction. If she sounds kind of weirded about it, or says “why bring wine glasses, I have perfectly fine ones,” then just agree and let it be. Maybe adjust your wine choices accordingly.

Do it in person or on the phone though. You won’t get the nuance you need over texts or emails.

[Philip N. Jones]

That’s the ticket. Take your glasses and conduct a taste test between your great glasses and the bad glasses your idiot hosts provided. Try to convince everyone what a genius you are and how your hosts are a bunch of dolts. What a great idea!
Will you ever be invited anywhere ever again???? Deservedly not.
Phil Jones

[Joshua Kates]

I wouldn't gift them glasses. But I might give them some.

This.

And I wouldn't bring my own glasses. Seriously. If you didn't like their silverware because the fork tines weren't pointy enough, would you bring your own silverware? Or china? Unless they're having a lot of people over and they let you know that it might be a good idea to bring some glassware, taking your own glasses to someone's house is what makes wine people look like douches.

Here's the scenario: First thing to do is take their glass, pour some wine into it and then take your glass and pour some wine into it and ask them to tell you which wine tastes like ass. Sit back triumphantly as they tell you how much they hate the wine when tasted from their own thick, clumsy, inelegant glassware. And let them use their own inferior glasses while you enjoy the wine from your superior glass.

There's no way you come out looking good. It's not even intriguingly eccentric, it's just crass. Don't do it.

Yes, I end up here, too--one night, bring some fine wine, drink from their glasses, eat their nice food.

[Mark Y]

Bring a box of 8 nice glasses. (Not zalto nice but nice enough).

Taste and compare with them if they are good friends. They might learn something and won’t be offended.

Tell them hey these are yours! Enjoy.

Nice Friends/neighbours. No issue.

[William Segui]

I just had someone ask me about stems - I sent them straight to Chris/Grassl.

[johngonzales]

I wouldn’t bring stems. Seems gosh to me, even if you bring wine. No way on god’s earth I would bring my own singular stem.

At a later date, I MIGHT give them some stems, not night of. We usually have our table set before people arrive. So they would be faced with replacing their stems with your better stems. That’s just awkward.

If you feel so inclined to have your stems, you should call ahead of time and ask and/or announce.

I think I’d just bring something very good. I think a decent banquet stem really isn’t going to ruin an excellent wine. Yes, and ideal stem is better, but an excellent wine is still going to be excellent.

[Alex N]

That’s the ticket. Take your glasses and conduct a taste test between your great glasses and the bad glasses your idiot hosts provided. Try to convince everyone what a genius you are and how your hosts are a bunch of dolts. What a great idea!
Will you ever be invited anywhere ever again???? Deservedly not.
Phil Jones

Most of my wine liking "dinner party" type friends would have fun (knowing I can be a wine dork) doing a comparison with the understanding that there's an overall agreement in the wine dork world that great stemware makes a difference, and "if I bring this bottle, it might sound lame but you gotta try it from these glasses I have". My Coors Light BBQ neighbor... I wouldn't entertain the idea. If the good cook neighbors are the type, then have fun with a wine tasting experience. It's fun. On a similar point, I would put money on there being more craft beer geeks out there who would bring their own IPA, BBA stout, sour beer glasses to a dinner party.

[Al Osterheld]

I would bring good wines I think they will like, and not bring any stems. If you think they might see the value of better stems, invite them to your house for a dinner.

-Al

[Mattstolz]

I would bring good wines I think they will like, and not bring any stems. If you think they might see the value of better stems, invite them to your house for a dinner.

-Al

this would be my plan

[K. Tr@n]

I alternate between zalto, grassl, and riedel at home. I would not even think about bringing something else to someone else's home unless we are short on glasses. Just bring the wine and enjoy. One night won't hurt you.

[GregT]

I'm with Al. Then you can have another good dinner cooked the way YOU like it!

Joking aside, I really wouldn't disparage someone's glasses, china, or whatever unless I had a really close relationship with them. I think that's what Chris was getting at. But for most people, a glass is a glass is a glass. If there's a chance you'll run low on stems, it's not a bad plan to suggest people bring their own, but to just show up with glasses implies that the available ones are somehow inferior and that's not a nice guest move.

As to asking someone to bring wine, that's not as horrible. Dinners get thrown together a lot of different ways and if someone mentions that they're thinking of some dish on Saturday if you're interested and you suggest you'll bring a bottle or two, that's pretty casual and organic.

And most people will ask if they can bring something because they don't want to show up empty handed. If the parties know each other and the host knows the other person likes and has wine, that's not a bad suggestion.

I still tell them not to bring anything though. We have some friends who we love to death but they always bring some awful wine even though we have many hundreds of bottles sitting around. Then there's another who fancies herself a dessert maven but doesn't mind using packaged mixes and ingredients. Those are particularly bothersome but she's a sweetheart so we just deal with it.

Friends can be PITA sometimes!

[Joe W i n o g r a d]

If you bring your host a gift, you can’t expect them to open, serve or use it.

They have gone to great lengths and effort to plan the event, may still be busy preparing to serve you, and don’t need or want another job; eg. something extra to wash, prep, etc.

A pack of decent glasses is an awesome gift but you may have to wait until the next invitation (or forever) to be served from them.

[David Glasser]

Bring wine, not glasses. Don’t make it about you and your wine glasses.

While it’s possible bringing glasses could be "done right," unless you know them really well it’s more likely it will be awkward. The fact that you’re posting this suggests you don’t know them well enough to predict their reaction. There’s a good possibility it will leave a negative impression no matter how you finesse it. Maybe not that you’re a jerk but that you’re a wine snob or a little odd. This is more dependent upon your friends' perspective than your presentation.

A gift of nice glasses is a good idea but only under circumstances where a gift would be the social norm. If the first time to their home and a hostess gift is appropriate or if that’s your routine when visiting each other, go for it. Don’t expect them to be used that evening, and don’t hint that you want them to. If you’ve been to each others' homes a few times and don’t normally bring gifts, save it for a more traditional gift exchange occasion: birthday, holidays, etc.

I get more enjoyment out of being able to relax with friends than the incremental increase in enjoyment of drinking wine from a thinner-rimmed glass.

[Sarah Kirschbaum]

The only time I've given a gift of glasses knowing it was really for my own benefit was to my parents. They use the stems occasionally when they have guests, but mostly only when my husband and I come to town. And we've also bought a set of stems for the rental properties we use most often - the owners are kind enough to keep them in their office unless we're renting.

I have never considered bringing stems to a friend's house, even when I'm bringing wine. It won't kill me to drink from a small glass from time to time, and it's doubtful I'd be bringing a wine so special it requires special stems. That said, we have friends who are quite familiar with our glass-toting habits, from many shared meals at local BYO places, so I'm sure they would understand and laugh.

As others have said, it's all about relationship. But the default should be don't do it, I think.

[Mattstolz]

remember that even if you "gift" them glasses that night, there's a good chance that they would want to run them through the dishwasher or clean them before using anyways. I know I typically do that with any dishware or stems before I ever use them.

[Christine Courtney]

I agree with everyone on this. It's about having a lovely evening with friends over good food and wine. Bring a wine you think everyone will enjoy, glassware aside. It is just one night, as others have said.

I say this a stemware snob myself......last month, I was fixing up and moving out of my condo in SF and the only stemware left after the initial move of "the good stemware" to the new place, was one of the thick glass types. It bothered me so much to drink out of those thick glasses, that I had to buy a new thin wine stem, even though I was only going to be there for a couple more weeks, lol!

That being said, as a guest at someone's house, I would not care about the stemware. I would bring a nice bottle or two and enjoy the night.....and perhaps buy them a nice 4 glass set of stemware for Christmas

[Robert.A.Jr.]

Bring wine. Don’t bring glasses. Suck it up. It’s just one night.
Phil Jones

This.
Just have fun and don't sweat it.

This 100 times over.

This is a time when friendship trumps geeky.

Sounds like a great night: good food, good friends, good wine. The glasses will end up being a non-issue.