There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

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John Morris
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There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#1 Post by John Morris » December 19th, 2018, 6:32 am

Pete Wells lets loose in today's NY Times about Bluebird London, a branch of which opened recently in the Time Warner Center.

Some tasty nuggets from his review:
A glass case [at the cafe-slash-wine bar] serves as a temporary prison for aging pastries and tragic snacks.
The “crispy shrimp” have the limp, expired quality of tempura that’s been doing laps all night at a conveyor-belt sushi place.
The thicker crust around a farmhouse pork terrine, served with a chill that brought out its Spammy qualities, is on its way to being cooked. The very, very thick football of crust encasing beef Wellington is cooked only on the surface; deep inside, where it meets the tenderloin, is a mass of wet, gluey dough. This costs $95 and will serve two people, both of whom had better like the taste of raw flour.
Atmosphere: Cafe in the front, bar in the middle, dining in the back. Desperation all around. Servers often seem to be hiding panic; you want to ask them to blink twice if they’re being held against their will.
"The Internet has resulted in an exponential increase in the number of instances in which humor must be explained." - me, 2019

"It's hard for a $35 zin to compete with a $100 cabernet that tastes the same." – me, 2018

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Chris Blum
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#2 Post by Chris Blum » December 19th, 2018, 6:41 am

Some good lines. Well played.
"Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit" -- Lucille Bluth
"The Packers f'n suck" -- Todd French

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Glen Gold
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#3 Post by Glen Gold » December 19th, 2018, 7:36 am

That is a beautifully-executed review, from headline to punchline.
Avatar = Jeremy from Peep Show.

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Robert Dentice
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#4 Post by Robert Dentice » December 19th, 2018, 8:19 am

Oh my that is bad. Loved many of the lines but this one is really funny:

"Servers often seem to be hiding panic; you want to ask them to blink twice if they’re being held against their will."

Didn't Jay Miller post a positive review here?

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Jay Miller
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#5 Post by Jay Miller » December 19th, 2018, 8:44 am

We obviously had different Beef Wellingtons. Mine was fantastic and he doesn't seem to have sampled either the excellent dressed crab or the execrable artichoke and foie gras.

And no mention of the amazing view?
Ripe fruit isn't necessarily a flaw.

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Andrew Kotowski
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#6 Post by Andrew Kotowski » December 19th, 2018, 10:55 am

I liked -> "Yellowfin tuna poke has been tossed onto a big, damp heap of unseasoned quinoa, which must be there to soak up any seasoning that accidentally attaches itself to the fish."
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Robert Dentice
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#7 Post by Robert Dentice » December 19th, 2018, 11:22 am

And Ryan Sutton's take:

https://ny.eater.com/2018/12/18/1814363 ... ner-center

"Let me be clear: Bluebird is New York’s worst new restaurant of 2018."

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Corey N.
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#8 Post by Corey N. » December 19th, 2018, 11:58 am

Thank you for posting John.

"At lunch there is a lobster Cobb salad with lettuce and round, red objects that are probably supposed to be tomatoes."

I giggled.
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Jason T
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#9 Post by Jason T » December 19th, 2018, 12:57 pm

Now that’s how you slam a restaurant. Perhaps someone should forward it to Ms. O’Loughlin for inspiration?
J@son Tr@ughber

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John Morris
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#10 Post by John Morris » December 19th, 2018, 1:04 pm

I can't get the tragic snacks out of my mind.
"The Internet has resulted in an exponential increase in the number of instances in which humor must be explained." - me, 2019

"It's hard for a $35 zin to compete with a $100 cabernet that tastes the same." – me, 2018

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Jay Miller
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#11 Post by Jay Miller » December 19th, 2018, 1:09 pm

Robert Dentice wrote:
December 19th, 2018, 11:22 am
And Ryan Sutton's take:

https://ny.eater.com/2018/12/18/1814363 ... ner-center

"Let me be clear: Bluebird is New York’s worst new restaurant of 2018."
At least they also liked the dressed crab:

"If pressed to order anything at dinner, a mound of crab with trout roe expresses its maritime punch with aplomb."
Ripe fruit isn't necessarily a flaw.

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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#12 Post by Magnus Solhjell » December 20th, 2018, 4:42 am

This is how you slam a restaurant:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... jay-rayner

He has a two volume "Worst of"-collection available on Amazon. I haven't read the second yet, but the first is fantastic.

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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#13 Post by G. Keeler » December 20th, 2018, 7:45 pm

Magnus Solhjell wrote:
December 20th, 2018, 4:42 am
This is how you slam a restaurant:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyl ... jay-rayner

He has a two volume "Worst of"-collection available on Amazon. I haven't read the second yet, but the first is fantastic.
Rayner is the worst. He is just a caricature at this point. He is the type of reviewer that goes into a restaurant hoping to find something bad that he can flame.
G L E N N

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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#14 Post by adam landa » December 20th, 2018, 8:55 pm

Thank you for posting...a good laugh.

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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#15 Post by Gary York » December 25th, 2018, 10:59 pm

Wells is kind of a jerk. But he is a very good writer. I used to enjoy reading him.
ITB

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Merrill Lindquist
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Re: There's nothing more fun than a scathing restaurant review

#16 Post by Merrill Lindquist » December 26th, 2018, 2:51 pm

That is both entertaining and painful to read. Excellent writing.
Merrill
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email:Merrill@EMHVineyards.com

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