First, for those who do not understand the question, Jews bury their dead as soon as they can. After the funeral, the mourners (children, siblings and parents only) “sit shiva,” which means that they stay at a home and people come to pay their respects. The “guests” are supposed to bring food to the mourners so that the mourners do not have to deal with worldly matters while they contemplate the deceased and other things. In the past, I have gone to the homes of mourners and brought food, but never wine, because it seemed wrong to mix a celebratory act, drinking wine, with mourning.
My mother passed away last Saturday morning at age 96. She was buried on Monday morning. We waited until Monday only so people could get in from out of town. Today, we had people at my house in White Plains, with a religious service in the evening. I had not intended to open bottles of wine, but after the Rabbi made some comments at the funeral, I did a 180. I decided that my prior view was just wrong and that at a celebration of the life of a wonderful person justified opening some good stuff. So I went for it. Here is a photo of what we opened for the people who came to our house.
From left:
1998 Fox Creek Shiraz
2016 Rivers Marie Summa
2001 Fontodi Vin Santo
2005 Hospice Volnay Santenots Cuvee Gauvin
2015 SQN Le Chemin Vers L’Heresie
2014 A J Adam Hoffberg Kabinett
2000 Fisher Coach Insignia
2011 Arboleda Chard
2012 Scarecrow
2012 Aubert Chardonnay
1922 D’Oliveras Boal Madeira
Note that the Aubert Chardonnay was her favorite and we opened it for her every year at Mother’s Day and occasional other family dinners. The 1922 Madeira was from a bottle we opened at her 85th Birthday 11 years ago. I was saving the last few ounces in the hope that she would make it to 100.
So what do you think? Is it appropriate to pair wine with death and mourning?
Jay,
sorry for the loss of your mother,
I agree with your Rabbi that you should celebrate the life of someone when they pass away and I hope you and your guests shared many stories and memories while you enjoyed the wine
Jay - I am very sorry for your loss. A life lived to age 96 was surely filled with rich experiences and well lived. I think opening the wines you did, particularly the ones that your mother loved, was a wonderful thing to do. As you implied, wine is a celebration of life and when better to do it?
At my own funeral hopefully in the very far future, I hope my best wines are opened and enjoyed by those in attendance.
I’m sorry for your loss. Losing your mother hurts no matter how old she was.
Sounds like you used wine to celebrate a life well lived. There is certainly nothing wrong with that and I would hope that someone will raise a glass for me when it is my time to go.
I too am sorry for your loss Jay. And yes, celebrating a life well lived with wine seems appropriate. There may be a difference between bringing wine to Shiva where the recipients may view it differently, but having you set the stage for the meaning of wine for this occasion, seems appropriate and proper. All the best.
The one time I ever remember drinking wine at Shiva was in the 1980s when an uncle of mine died and shiva was at my parents’ house. We had 1975 Chappellet.
Sincere condolences, Jay. May her memory be a blessing.
When we sat shiva for my mom at my house, I opened some of the wines she enjoyed in life when we celebrated good times together. I also remember that one wine (a Rhys pinot) was badly corked and provided some levity during an otherwise somber day, when my brother declared how “delicious” the wine was right after I let my kids taste it so they knew what a corked wine was!
Jay, it is your mother. This is a hard time for you. Shiva is meant, at least in part, for friends and family to come and comfort YOU. If having wine as part of this helps you cope with the loss of your mother, I say go for it.
When my mother died, neither my sister or I still lived in Savannah, the city we grew up in and where my mother was being buried. The day before the funeral, we flew in, as did a number of cousins of mine. We all went to dinner together at an Outback Steakhouse, where we all talked for a long time about our larger family, our history together, etc. Was great for me and gave me a lot of comfort (although I probably only slept for a couple of hours that night). Do what helps you - I am sure your mother would approve.
Jay, my condolences; your mother lived a long, and hopefully fruitful and peaceful life.
I am not of course a rabbi, or even particular schooled in the subject, but the recent unexpected death of a family friend showed us something we had not before especially realized.
The deceased’s family is all from out-of-town, and for whatever reason the shiva was especially perfunctory. I mean not just for a single day (this happens regularly in such circumstances) but just a few hours, and in some ways it seemed rather begrudging. There was no service or family prayers, the family would not accept food for a meal, etc. All fine, people can do as they see fit in their own family.
What we missed, which I now realize is such a comforting part of shiva for all parties, is not just the sharing of stories and good times among those near and dear, and well known, but the opportunity as non-family to meet fellow mourners previously unknown, and realize that the person lost typically had a much wider life than an outside individual would know, and that he or she was so many (previously) strangers’ mutual friend.
This is I think a great gift of shiva to the mourners, and IMO it is absolutely the type of circumstance which should be accompanied by wine, for those who enjoy.
I think it’s wholly appropriate that the grieving family should remember their loved one and celebrate/grieve however they see fit. Hopefully everyone enjoyed the wines.
As an aside, I hope the AJ Adam mag showed well, I’m opening a mag this weekend.
