I swear, he knows we joke about this non-stop.

Was standing in the check out line at the grocery store on Sunday, and I usually read the Hedonist’s Gazette, as it often times provides a good laugh, or the ever popular awkward food pairing of Magnum of CDP poorly matched to sushi, sashimi, crudo, or various other lighter, more white wine oriented dishes. This week he had to have been tipped off that folks are making jokes about his pairings.

“This excellent BYO Italian trattoria does a marvelous job with its deep-fried calamari and thin crust pizzas made in their wood-burning oven. I decided to go with fish even though I was drinking a big, rich Châteauneuf du Pape made from 60% Grenache and 40% Mourvèdre, the 2007 St.-Préfert Cuvée Charles Giraud, out of magnum no less.”

Just too funny. Better part is that he didn’t take his own advice, and order the pizza.

I think I’m with Parker on this one. Eat what you want and drink what you want. Some pairings are particularly inspired but with the exception of spicy food I rarely find food and wine clashes.

Wouldn’t it be great if Parker were to start one of those wine advice columns were people write in asking what to drink with x, y, or z - he could respond with, “How about a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape?” every single time. It would be great and each one would be funnier than the last one.

The Onion had ‘advice columns’ exactly like that…often hilarious.

Keith, isn’t it plausible that thought occurs to him at every dinner? Agree with Berry that it’s hard to find fault with his knowing what he likes, and drinking it.

RT

Eventually someone will ask what wine to pair with a meal consisting of a deep-fried magnum of Chateauneuf-du-Pape and we will all have to admit that a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape is indeed the best pairing. A broken clock is still right twice per day.

But yes, Ian, I recall seeing the one about having tuna sashimi at Masa paired exclusively with lots of 100 point Chateauneuf-du-Pape and I nearly lost it.

Dear Mr. Parker,
My Uncle Milton loves spicy food so we’re going to take him to Grand Sichuan for some qong qing spicy chicken. I heard it’s a nice BYOB spot so what should we take along?
Cordially,
Bill on Broadway

Dear Bill,
How about a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape? --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
I’m competing in the Nathan’s Famous hot-dog eating contest this weekend. Hoping to best my personal record of 108 dogs! What wine would you recommend to wash it all down with?
Sincerely,
Joey in July

Dear Joey,
How about a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape? --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
I’m at my wit’s end! My 2-year-old won’t give up nursing. Is there anything you can recommend for him so that he’ll finally give my mammaries a break?
Sincerely,
Desperate in Duluth

Dear Desperate,
How about a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape? --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
Help! I think my boyfriend’s cheating on me. I’d love to catch him red-handed, but how?
Your biggest fan,
Heartbroken in Houston

Dear Heartbroken,
If you think your boyfriend is cheating on you, he probably is. Have you noticed him checking out other women who pass by in the street, or is he less likely to give you a hug “just because” then he used to? Those are sure signs. Try going through his emails to see who he’s been canoodling with. If he’s not logged in, surely his password is stored in the cache. He’ll never be the wiser. If you find out what you suspect to be true, you deserve a girl’s night out! Get all your BFF’s together and ask them each to bring a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape.

Classic.

I agree with the spirit of your post. Most of us obsess way too much over pairings.

Yep. Certain pairings are great. Certain pairings are terrible. But for the most part, the vast middle ground I’m okay with. Unfortunately for Parker, I think glopped up 07 Chateauneuf makes a lot of terrible pairings.

One of my all time favorites…

Agreed!! CdP is great with a lot of food, but not '07 (with few exceptions)

Dear Mr. Parker,
I just can’t seem to keep off the pounds! What can I have for dinner that will help me be trim and sexy again?
Signed,
Buxom in Biloxi

Dear Buxom,
A daily magnum or two of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape does it for me. --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
I tried taking your advice and drinking a magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape, but the herpes still won’t go away! What should I try next?
Sincerely,
Anxious in Anaheim

Dear Anxious,
A second magnum of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape for your lady friend could be just what the doctor ordered. --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
Must make American swine infidels pay for unforgivable insult to great magnificent prophet. Need advice help on bringing on airplane for America suitcase equal in heavy to 100 pounds uranium.
Death to the infidels,
Irate in Iran

Dear Irate,
Oh my gosh, what have you got in that suitcase, a dozen magnums of 2007 Chateauneuf-du-Pape? You sound like a man after my own heart! That should go marvelously with the swine. --Bob.

Dear Mr. Parker,
Help! I don’t know anything about wine, but our good friends invited us over to a wine-themed dinner party so they could show us some of the recipes they learned on their honeymoon in Avignon in 2007. The other couple told me they are going to bring some things with names like Bo Castle and Vee You Telegraph but I’m hopelessly lost. What can I bring so my friends won’t think I’m an unsophisticated rube?
Signed,
Stumped in St. Louis

Dear Stumped,
When it comes to wine, there are no right answers. If it tastes good to you, then it is good wine! The wine world is filled with no-nothings, know-it-alls, and precious nosering-wearing sommeliers trying to sell you on some weak, insipid vegetable juice made by some sandal-wearing goatherder on the north side of a mountain just because they can’t stand the thought of you being happy. There is a world of wonderful wine out there waiting for you to discover, whether it’s Sparky Marquis’s exquisite Barossa Valley shirazes or some of the great 2010 Bordeaux from such all-star consultants as Michel Rolland or Stephane Derenoncourt, any one of which is worth mortgaging your house for. Best of luck! --Bob.

This would be a great blog post for the new WB blog.

I think the WB powers that be should give Keith his own advice column blog.

First Mel Hill last week with the SQN label and now Keith with this. Turns out today I am at Wahoo’s and people around me can’t figure out what’s so funny on my Blackberry. At least I didn’t spit out the brown rice this time, but ALMOST! Keith, excellent work.

This might be even better: Ask A Man With A Russian Accent Trying To Convince You To Go To An Ecstasy Party

Reminds me of this classic -

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors’ daughter. I’m 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors’ daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I’d leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Thanks for that one.

A voice of reason. Though if I am pouring at a dinner, I do make people aware that artichokes will kill the taste of the Cabernet, and since they are there to assess the wine, perhaps another choice is in order.