We all use shortcuts in life. One of mine for restaurants is if the menu has pictures, don’t eat there. I find there are also tips and tricks to avoid wines, particularly when you’re flying blind and don’t know the producer. Here are a few of my red flags:
– Gold medal stickers. These are almost always fake competitions and when the wine is advertising it won one of them, run.
– Food pairing advice. Most fine wines don’t have to tell you to enjoy it with chicken piccata or Parmesan crusted halibut.
– Exclusives. I never understood this. Some stores advertise wines as exclusives as if it’s a good thing, but what it tells me is not that nobody else could get it, but that nobody else wanted it. There are exceptions, but they are rare.
Name is something too timely and topical, and the Producer/Company name at the bottom of the back label is the exact same name with LLC added. Such as “Election Year” by “Election Year Wines LLC” a Nevada company.
It’s prominently displayed surrounded by cheeses, in the cheese section of the supermarket (usually on an endcap of an aisle or the olive-bar, with the bottle standing on a wheel of cheese)
I’ll give you one exception. Quinta do Noval’s “Black” Port. Horrible name but a really good sub $18 Ruby Reserve Port. Otherwise I pretty much agree with you.
Also, most wines that reference pirates, prospecters or cowboys are either complete crap, or fantastic and ultra-expensive. There’s really no middle ground.
These aren’t real, but for example, here are names that, with matching artwork, would set off my alarms:
PIRATE ONES
Sea Wench
Headwind
Davy Jones’ Locker
Sea Legs Sauvignon Blanc (probably a grocery-store white sold near the seafood case)
Prow Pinot Noir
Starboard Syrah
Booty
Bounty
Doubloon Petit Sirah
Plunder
Mutiny Merlot
Scallywag
Blunderbuss Blend
PROSPECTER/COWBOY ONES (THEY OVERLAP)
Bonanza
Stagecoach Red (I bet this exists. Someone else can google it. I am already certain. And bet it’s crap.)
Paydirt
Motherlode
Horse Thief
Lasso
Anything with a shelf tag that says “makes a great spritzer.”
Anything not in a bottle, i.e, box or can.
Any large format under $40.
Anything with naked, skinny or fish in the title.
Anything on the end cap of the aisle.